The Notional | Fake News Is Great News

No-one agrees with me

Trans

JustinOtherScott

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09/03/2025

Dear Auntie Trans,

I’m reaching out to you as we both appear to be women, we both care deeply about the children, and we share the same hair stylist. Why does no-one agree with me? Every time I appear on a television or radio interview, people just do not listen! They ask questions. Questions! What is wrong with them? People should just believe me. I’m a doctor. That must be enough to have people shut up and listen, mustn’t it? Is it because I’m a woman that interviewers like Andrew Neil will not accept what I tell them? He feels he has to mansplain everything and so, no matter what I say about puberty blockers being 100% reversible, and WPATH being the gold standard internationally acclaimed authority on all things gender, and there being no evidence that children regret transitioning, he keeps asking pointless and Riddikulus questions. Can you give me any advice? Forever Yours, Dr W

Dear Dr W,

My twin hearts go out to you. People not agreeing with us as women, men mansplaining, people questioning our authority as fake doctors, it can really, really make us wonder if perhaps we made a wrong choice somewhere back in our career and perhaps should have gone into plastic surgery rather than child mutilation. Since you do have Dr in front of your name and I only have Auntie, I feel reluctant to offer much advice. Perhaps declining future interviews would be sensible. Even with people not as well prepared as Andrew Neil, after all, you never know when some upstart journo might accidentally ask a real question, putting you on the spot and forcing you to choose between telling the truth and a lie. Not that you would ever lie, of course, you believe everything you say. And so it must be quite discombobulating to have people question you. Detransitioners. Parents. Ethical Boards. Magistrates. Judges. You never know who might take issue with your truth. Yes, perhaps the best advice I could give would be to cease and desist all interactions with people who might question you. Especially children and young adults who believe they are trans. These people may expect you to respond to their difficult and uncomfortable questions in years to come and better not to open that door now. After all, if someone you treat now can call you up in five years and ask you why you prescribed or recommended them to take an unsafe experimental drug, you would have brought this on yourself. Better to never have had the conversation in the first place. With sympathy, Auntie Trans

Scot Squad Hate Crime in Euro 2024 First Match

JustinOtherScott

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15/06/2024

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Scot Squad Hate Crime in Euro 2024 First Match

Scotland’s premier five-a-side football team are unable to return home after hate crimes lodged against them by over 3 million Scots following the first match against Germany in Euro 2024.

“I was reminded why I don’t watch football,” one grieving supporter said. “90+ minutes of watching my team slow jog after the ball while the Germans practised Blitzkrieg.”

“Every time we were given the ball we gave it back to the Germans as if we were playing hot potato,” Another former fan told The Notional. “The Germans managed to retain possession while barely touching the ball, preferring to pass to each other than hog the limelight.”

The Notional can report, having suffered through the entire match, that the only goal we won was an own goal by Germany with Scotland fans on site in Munich cheering our team for playing pin ball.

“I blame John Swinney,” one disgruntled fan said. “As a mascot he’s worse than a voodoo doll in the hands of our opponents.”

With Scotland still to play Switzerland and Hungary in the remaining Group A matches, some Scots are hoping for a miracle. It is unclear which deity they may be praying to. Jesus taught his followers to love ones’ enemies and that does not seem to sit well with the theme of Flower of Scotland. Others are longing for the time when Scots prize skill and competency over blind luck.

We at The Notional blame the SNP free bus passes. Scots don’t get enough practice walking, let alone running.

With Scotland losing 5-1 at the closing whistle, we at The Notional admit we got that wrong. We predicted – in private during the first couple of minutes of the game – a 5-0 defeat for Scotland. With Germany slamming two goals in during the first twenty minutes and then briefly appearing to attain 5-0 before having their latest goal denied for being offside, Justine expressed astonishment that a group who never follow football, couldn’t usually care less who wins or loses, might be right on the money with a number pulled out of an old football sock. We were not. Like the blind luck of Scotland’s only goal, we failed to predict the actual result and would like to record this for posterity.

We’re not sure how many Scots blame The Tories for last night’s crushing defeat. It didn’t matter how many times Scots sung send Prince Edward’s army home, it is Scotland who needs to think again.

Humza Yousaf’s Dream

Offbeat

JustinOtherScott

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05/06/2024

0

The former First Minister, former Scottish National Party Party Leader, former Cabinet Secretary for Health and Social Care, former Cabinet Secretary for Justice, former Minister for Transport and the Islands, former Minister for Europe and International Development, former Minister for External Affairs and International Development – Humza Yousaf – had a dream. [Editor: We will not reveal our source] [Justin: Bit defensive there] [Editor: You haven’t heard what the dream was yet]

In Humza Yousaf’s dream, he was walking through the streets of Gaza when an angel appeared and took him to heaven. In Heaven, he was met by Jesus. Humza looked round and asked, “Where is the Prophet?”

Jesus answered, “The prophet is not here.”

Humza was disturbed by this answer, but felt unable to enquire further of Jesus.

Jesus led Humza to a grand banquet table, laid out with all kinds of food. Humza looked and saw there was all kinds of Halal food and also all kinds of Haram food.

“Sit down and eat,” Jesus told him.

“But my Lord,” Humza replied, “some of this food is Haram.”

“Sit down and eat,” Jesus told him again.

Again, Humza protested. This happened three times. Then Jesus sat down beside Humza and began to eat. As he ate, Jesus told Humza a story.

“An Israeli was going down from Jerusalem to Kfar Aza, when he was attacked by Hamas. Out of ammo, they stripped him of his clothes, beat him and thinking he was dead, went away, leaving him half dead. An Ayatollah happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, an Imam, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Palestinian, as he traveled, came where the Israeli was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, spraying them with antiseptic. Then he put the man in his jeep, brought him to a hospital and waited while the doctors and nurses took care of him. The next day he took out his credit card and left it with the hospital administrators. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’”

Jesus turned to Humza and asked him, “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the Israeli who fell into the hands of Hamas?”

Humza replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

At this, Humza woke in a cold sweat. He got up from his couch and began to run.

Introducing Auntie Trans

Trans

JustinOtherScott

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04/06/2024

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Many newspapers have a Dear Auntie column, a series that allows readers to write in with their problems and receive words of wisdom. The Notional is pleased to introduce our very own Auntie Trans, who has traveled to Scotland all the way from Transylvania. Her visa was granted under the SNP government’s “Let in all aliens, terrorists, murderers, rapists, hostage takers visa policy” as first proposed by Humza Yousaf. We’re not quite sure which category Auntie Trans managed to sneak into Scotland under but we’re quite sure she’ll be welcomed by Mridul Wadhwa at Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre, where she’ll be working as a counselor for the foreseeable future.

As readers of other newspapers problem pages, we know there is some uncertainty whether the letters printed were genuine or not. We would like to assure all our readers that every letter printed by us is completely fake. Unless some readers actually manage to send us letters, in which case we’ll probably have to move house [Editor: office] [Justin: Yes, that too]

Without further preamble, here is our first Auntie Trans column:

Dear Auntie Trans,

My daughter identifies as trans, what do I do?

Yours terrifiedly,

A Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

I can understand both your concern and your terror. While not every child who identifies as trans wants to take experimental hormones and submit to dangerous surgery, some are brainwashed into believing they must do this. Even for those children and young adults who simply identify as the opposite sex, this change in behaviour can be confusing and troubling. In the words of Douglas Adams: “Don’t Panic!”

Your child needs you more than ever. Perversely, your daughter may now be receiving indoctrination indicating you cannot be trusted and may try to push you away. Depending on the age of your child you may still have some options.

Some parents have found that if they remove all access to the Internet, they can stop the brainwashing by trans activists and influencers. This does become more difficult when a child is older, yet while your child lives in your home, you have the right to monitor their Internet access. You may have to become much more technically savvy very quickly, learning how to use the advanced settings on your home Internet router to block certain sites and monitor which ones are being accessed.

If you can encourage your child to participate in outdoor sport or activity, this may help them connect with their body and reduce obsession and rumination.

In some extreme cases, some parents report success in completely moving their whole family to a more rural location. I understand that few people are able to do this.

Fortunately there are now many good resources for parents and even groups that can provide support. I recommend the following sites:

https://www.pittparents.com

https://genspect.org

https://www.widerlenspod.com

Remember, you are still your child’s parent and the person who loves and cares for your child more than anyone else. Your child needs you.

Yours in a crisis,

Auntie Trans

[Image by pixlr.com]

Church of Scotland Deny Lampstand Stolen by Son of God

The Church

JustinOtherScott

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22/05/2024

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Church of Scotland Deny Lampstand Stolen by Son of God

Reports that a God hunt is under way by Police Scotland after a lampstand went missing this week are being briefed against by senior members of the Church during the General Assembly. “It is simply not true that our lampstand was taken.” A Spokesreverend whispered to our reporter in hushed tones while heresy was being preached from the floor of the Assembly. “As you can see, we still have a lampstand here, standing at the heart of the General Assembly.” Our reporter noted the lampstand on display looked suspiciously similar to a Simrishamn, though few at the Assembly appeared to notice when our reporter questioned them.

The latest heresy being preached by the Church of Scotland is quite typical of heresy taught since the very first days of the Church: “Transgender people are made in the image of God, worthy of our respect and love and part of the Church of Scotland. #GA2024“

People are made in the image of God. What is the heresy here? It is subtle, like all whispers of the devil. Yet God made people male and female, not males trapped inside a female body or vice versa. And what does “Transgender” mean anyway? The term is used without definition. Does it include a male who is erotically aroused at the thought of dressing up as a female? Does it include someone who believes they must receive surgery to transform their body? Does it include someone who failed as a male athlete and sees a chance to win against females in unsporting competition? By leaving a term undefined and open to interpretation, it can mean whatever a person wants it to mean, no matter whether it is beneficial to themselves or others or not.

No one is worthy of respect unless they have earned it, with very few exceptions. Mothers and fathers, the elderly, and of course – the Son of God, who did more than anyone before or since to earn our respect.

Love doesn’t love because someone is worthy – that’s the whole point of God’s grace! We love because he first loved us.

Should those who identify as trans be welcomed into the Church of Scotland? Absolutely. And every part of Christ’s church. Just as every sinner is welcomed and urged to believe in Jesus Christ, to become transformed, not in their body, but in their heart and mind.

The Church of Scotland, as probably every part of the Church that has been around long enough, has a history of entertaining and flirting with heresy. Kenneth D. Macleod writes of C. H. Spurgeon’s concerns with the Kirk back in 1890: “The case is one for great sorrow and deep humiliation, and it is fairly stated in the sentences: ‘From the decision it might almost appear that professors and ministers may be as heretical as they please, provided only that they cover their heresy with a gilding of orthodoxy”

Leslie Maxwell and Alistair McIntyre write of an incident in Helensburgh in 1830: “Campbell was accused of preaching erroneous doctrines, in relation to universal atonement, pardon and assurance of faith. This did not sit well with the Calvinist view which then prevailed, that only the elect would be saved.”

And David Robertson, who goes by the alias TheWeeFlea, wrote as recently as 2014: “I sit stunned. I can’t believe it. Really. The Church of Scotland has just voted 2:1 directly to refuse the teaching of the Bible and to deliberately and self-consciously go against it. How is that possible? How do intelligent men and women believe that the Holy Spirit is guiding them to go against His own Word?”

Perhaps if the Ikea lampstand was plugged in, it might shine a light on the General Assembly proceedings allowing intelligent men and women to see what was going on, though the reporter suspects that without the piercing light given off by the now replaced lampstand, the deeds of darkness will remain unexposed.

Police Scotland advise that anyone encountering the Son of God should not approach him except on bended knee, in repentance of their sin, conscious of the Holiness of God, and fearful of the second death.

Police Scotland Interview Justine Other Scott

JustinOtherScott

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22/05/2024

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Police Scotland Interview Justine Other Scott

Officer One 08:22: “Recording started at 08:22. Present in the room… Justine Other Scott, Constable Nick Sturgeon, speaking. Also present is Constable Harry Yousaf.”

Arrestee 08:23: “Oh look! Here comes Justin!”

Officer Two 08:23: “Oh for the love of Swinney.”

Arrestee 08:24: “Who’s a good boy, Justin? Who’s a good boy?”

Officer One 08:24: “What’s going on?”

Arrestee 08:25: “Justin is coming out to play. Grr. Oh Justin, don’t do that! Grrr. He doesn’t like you.”

Officer Two 08:26: “If you’re not careful, we’ll be arresting you for wasting police time next.”

Arrestee 08:26: “Grr. Grrr.” Arrestee makes loud barking sounds.

Officer Two 08:27: “We should just put this one in a padded cell.”

Arrestee 08:27: Arrestee makes loud barking sounds.

Officer One 08:28: “Threatening a police officer is a criminal offence.”

Arrestee 08:28: “Grrr.”

Officer Two 08:29: “We need to get the Sarge in here. I’m not putting up with this any more.”

Recording terminated at 08:29

To be continued…

Trans Goggles with Every Copy of The National

Trans

JustinOtherScott

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21/05/2024

0

Trans Goggles with Every Copy of The National

Our evil twin sister paper [Editor: some people call it a rag.] [Justin: some people use it as a rag.] [Editor: that’s a pretty poor rag!] will be offering a pair of Trans Goggles (TM) with every copy sold tomorrow.

These rose tinted specs will make even the most bigoted TERF believe they are looking at a real woman when they see a trans identifying male in the flesh, the toilets, the changing room, or on Giggle.

With subscriber levels at an all time low, The National is seeking to increase its uptake among its core audience of trans identifying youth. It is believed they will be persuaded to buy multiple copies, with their pocket money, to give to their fascist parents, hateful grandparents, and transphobic relatives, colleagues, neighbours and anyone else that refuses to recognise their unrecognisable gender identity.

It is unclear how a one time only marketing effort will increase subscribers, when The National will in effect be alienating most of Scotland, though perhaps they believe that all it will take to turn a TERF into a TRA is a cheap bit of coloured plastic. [Editor: in all honesty, we think that is a similar strategy to the one used by the wider trans movement.]

Newspaper circulation numbers are not all published. Press Gazette advises in their monthly report of UK circulation numbers that “figures do not include the Sun, Times and Telegraph titles which have all chosen to keep their ABC circulations private since the start of 2020. The Guardian and Observer joined them in September 2021.”

We had to resort to Wikipedia [Editor: shivers] to obtain circulation numbers for The National: “In February 2023, ABC reported daily paid circulation of 3,210 single copies and 345 subscriptions.” We apologise to our readers as we have no idea whether these numbers reflect the situation in May 2024, and we’re not on speaking terms with our evil twin sister after “The Incident”.

Arrested! Justin Other Scott Interview – by Police Scotland

JustinOtherScott

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20/05/2024

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Arrested! Justin Other Scott Interview – by Police Scotland

Arrestee 07:24: “What have you done with Justin?”

Arrestee 07:25: “Don’t just look at each other like Tweedle Dee and Dum, where is he?”

Officer One 07:25: “Sitting right in front of us.”

Arrestee 07:25: “How dare you! This is Justine you are speaking with. Why am I here?”

Officer One 07:26: “Here we go.” There is a drawn out sigh.

Officer Two 07:26: “You gave your name as Justin Other Scott when you arrived. Are you now telling us you have a different name?”

Arrestee 07:27: “I only have one name. We have five. Where is Justin? I’ve been looking for him since I got here and can’t find him. What did you do with him?”

Officer Two 07:28: “We?”

Arrestee 07:28: “Yes. I’m Justine. Other Scott if you need my full name. The rest of our staff includes Justin, Justin, Justin, and Justin.”

Officer One 07:30: “He’s off his rocker, this one.”

Arrestee 07:30: “You just misgendered me! That’s a hate crime. This is being recorded isn’t it? Did you give Justin your names when you started this interview?”

Officer Two 07:31: Another sigh. “Yes, of course.”

Arrestee 07:31: “Well? What are they? You don’t expect me to guess do you. Or maybe you do… But then, you really don’t want me to guess as you might be offended and since you have me at a disadvantage, that might not end well for any of us. Especially you.”

Officer One 07:32: “That sounds like a threat.”

Arrestee 07:32: “A warning. Wouldn’t want your feelings all hurty wurty would we?”

Officer Two 07:33: “We don’t have all day. We gave you our names at the start of the interview as you well know…”

Arrestee 07:33: “Who did you say that to? ‘We don’t have all day’? This is only being audio recorded. Someone might think you said that to me.”

Officer One 07:34: “We’re going to need a shrink.”

Arrestee 07:34: “I can recommend a really good one. She’s helped us a lot. And again, for the audio recording, it would be helpful if you indicate whether you are addressing me or each other. And names! Or I will give you names of my own!”

Officer One 07:35: “Addressing the arrestee. My name is Constable Nick Sturgeon. Addressing my colleague…”

Officer Two 07:35: “Looking at my colleague. I am Constable Harry Yousaf” [Editor: Perhaps we could have come up with better fake police officer names, but these were the ones that popped into our heads and we decided to run with it.]

Arrestee 07:36: “Your parents called you Constable? You poor dear. Oh, and for those listening on the recording, that was addressed at poor dear.”

Officer One 07:37: “Do you know why you’re here?”

Arrestee 07:37: “Well, I don’t believe in evolution if that’s what you are asking, and if you are asking about my parent’s sex life, I’m not having that conversation with you.”

Officer Two 07:37: “You have been arrested on a charge of Hate Crime. You are alleged to have posted numerous statements on the social media platform Twitter…”

Arrestee 07:38: “Formerly known as X.”

Officer One 07:38: “It’s the other way around isn’t it?”

Arrestee 07:38: “Are you not sure?”

Officer Two 07:38: “Twitter, X, whatever…”

Arrestee 07:39: “Not whatever. If I’m being arrested my solicitor will want to ensure I am being accurately charged in connection with a specific social media platform.”

Officer Two 07:39: “Twitter then.”

Officer One 07:39: “X.”

Arrestee 07:40: “Do make up your minds.”

Officer Two 07:41: “I think we should take a break.”

Recording terminated at 07:41

To be continued…

King Charles Receives Nightmare Painting

Offbeat

JustinOtherScott

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15/05/2024

0

King Charles Receives Nightmare Painting

Palace sources insist no mirrors have been broken by King Charles, no-one has tripped over a black cat, and all ladders were safely stowed away while not in use. Also, since the King is both Supreme Governor of the Church of England and Defender of The Faith, it would not be possible for him to either believe in bad luck, or suffer from it.

Instead, either gross stupidity, malice, or quite possibly an artists vision that transcends the tabloid spreading of muck [Editor: What are you trying to say?] may be responsible for Jonathan Yeo’s new portrait of King Charles.

Yeo, who may have had Lady in Red playing on loop while King Charles stood for the portrait has produced a stunning, bold, scarlet depiction of the King whose uniform of the Welsh Guards blends so well into the background it is being considered as a template by the British Ministry of Defence for future camouflage.

The former Prince of Wales once speculated it would be his bad luck to be reincarnated as a Tampax (TM). Sales of Tampax are currently on the rise as more and more males identify as trans women. A spokesbirthingperson for Tampax briefly stopped counting stock options to give a YeeHa.

Reward: For Missing Oompah Loompah

JustinOtherScott

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08/05/2024

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John Nicolson is being sought by fellow members of the Oompah Loompah community after failing to return home in a loong while.

John, who has at times suffered racism due to constantly being a shade of raging violet rather than pleasant orange, was last sighted near Westminster in London. Passionate about journalism and journalistic integrity, somewhat surprisingly he often writes for our evil twin sister paper: The National.

A case of chocolate is being offered to anyone who can provide information on John’s whereabouts.

In other news, reports that a case of chocolate has gone missing from the Willy Wonka factory in Uxbridge is not being investigated by Police Scotland due to increased volume of Hate Crime reports. SpokesLoompah for the Willy Wonka factory had both a song and a dance in response to our questions however due to copyright laws we cannot share this.