Angry Scotland asked, JK Rowling responded. A Statement from the office of Hogwarts’ founder announced that she would stand against Humza Yousaf in the next Holyrood elections:
“Scotland needs someone in charge who is capable of not just thinking one book ahead, but seven, and seven spin-off books, and eleven movies, and seven detective novels. With me in charge of Police Scotland, the mystery of what happened to the IndyRef fund will be wrapped up sooner than you can say ‘Lets have a game of quality quick Quidditch’. All Humza ever seems to offer is be afraid of the Tories. I have written a lot about standing up to fear and will teach Scots the best response to Humza’s jabbering is to shout back at him: ‘Riddikulus!'”
Angry Scotland did not respond when The Notional reached out for comment. Their initial laying down of the gauntlet to JK Rowling was on Twitter, formerly known as X: “If JK Rowling thinks she can govern better than Humza Yousaf, maybe she should actually run for office rather than just yelping from the sidelines. Maybe she should actually go on live TV and debate with scientists and trans people about her #@!#@ views. Log off and step up.”
Angry Scotland then followed up with this astonishingly coherent message: “JK Rowling’s writings – tweets included – seem to indicate that she has all the answers to everything, so I think she should launch a political career. Go for it. Put yourself and your beliefs to the test. Stand for election. See how awesome and popular you are. Do it.”
Angry Scotland then signed off for the night. “I’ve done a tweet that I can already tell is gonna lead to several hundred replies from the most boring and lonely people on Earth overnight. And I will not read a single one of them. Have fun.” Perhaps this is why they did not respond for comment. Because we are boring and lonely. Though how they knew we were boring and lonely is not clear. Perhaps it is their anger that allows them that insight.
The Notional did a few minutes of digging and found that Angry Scotland is very angry indeed. We couldn’t bear to listen to their podcast, a few minutes of listening to Humza’s angry ranting each day is about all we can stand. But we did find their Capitalist store where you can fund their anger and buy clothing that lets your family, friends, employer and neighbours know just how angry you are:
We at The Notional are not quite sure how sexy socialism correlates with capitalist merchandising, though if you are angry enough we doubt that matters. Forgive us for not linking to their online store. We at The Notional do not support socialism.