John Nicolson is being sought by fellow members of the Oompah Loompah community after failing to return home in a loong while.
John, who has at times suffered racism due to constantly being a shade of raging violet rather than pleasant orange, was last sighted near Westminster in London. Passionate about journalism and journalistic integrity, somewhat surprisingly he often writes for our evil twin sister paper: The National.
A case of chocolate is being offered to anyone who can provide information on John’s whereabouts.
In other news, reports that a case of chocolate has gone missing from the Willy Wonka factory in Uxbridge is not being investigated by Police Scotland due to increased volume of Hate Crime reports. SpokesLoompah for the Willy Wonka factory had both a song and a dance in response to our questions however due to copyright laws we cannot share this.