Arrestee 07:24: “What have you done with Justin?”
Arrestee 07:25: “Don’t just look at each other like Tweedle Dee and Dum, where is he?”
Officer One 07:25: “Sitting right in front of us.”
Arrestee 07:25: “How dare you! This is Justine you are speaking with. Why am I here?”
Officer One 07:26: “Here we go.” There is a drawn out sigh.
Officer Two 07:26: “You gave your name as Justin Other Scott when you arrived. Are you now telling us you have a different name?”
Arrestee 07:27: “I only have one name. We have five. Where is Justin? I’ve been looking for him since I got here and can’t find him. What did you do with him?”
Officer Two 07:28: “We?”
Arrestee 07:28: “Yes. I’m Justine. Other Scott if you need my full name. The rest of our staff includes Justin, Justin, Justin, and Justin.”
Officer One 07:30: “He’s off his rocker, this one.”
Arrestee 07:30: “You just misgendered me! That’s a hate crime. This is being recorded isn’t it? Did you give Justin your names when you started this interview?”
Officer Two 07:31: Another sigh. “Yes, of course.”
Arrestee 07:31: “Well? What are they? You don’t expect me to guess do you. Or maybe you do… But then, you really don’t want me to guess as you might be offended and since you have me at a disadvantage, that might not end well for any of us. Especially you.”
Officer One 07:32: “That sounds like a threat.”
Arrestee 07:32: “A warning. Wouldn’t want your feelings all hurty wurty would we?”
Officer Two 07:33: “We don’t have all day. We gave you our names at the start of the interview as you well know…”
Arrestee 07:33: “Who did you say that to? ‘We don’t have all day’? This is only being audio recorded. Someone might think you said that to me.”
Officer One 07:34: “We’re going to need a shrink.”
Arrestee 07:34: “I can recommend a really good one. She’s helped us a lot. And again, for the audio recording, it would be helpful if you indicate whether you are addressing me or each other. And names! Or I will give you names of my own!”
Officer One 07:35: “Addressing the arrestee. My name is Constable Nick Sturgeon. Addressing my colleague…”
Officer Two 07:35: “Looking at my colleague. I am Constable Harry Yousaf” [Editor: Perhaps we could have come up with better fake police officer names, but these were the ones that popped into our heads and we decided to run with it.]
Arrestee 07:36: “Your parents called you Constable? You poor dear. Oh, and for those listening on the recording, that was addressed at poor dear.”
Officer One 07:37: “Do you know why you’re here?”
Arrestee 07:37: “Well, I don’t believe in evolution if that’s what you are asking, and if you are asking about my parent’s sex life, I’m not having that conversation with you.”
Officer Two 07:37: “You have been arrested on a charge of Hate Crime. You are alleged to have posted numerous statements on the social media platform Twitter…”
Arrestee 07:38: “Formerly known as X.”
Officer One 07:38: “It’s the other way around isn’t it?”
Arrestee 07:38: “Are you not sure?”
Officer Two 07:38: “Twitter, X, whatever…”
Arrestee 07:39: “Not whatever. If I’m being arrested my solicitor will want to ensure I am being accurately charged in connection with a specific social media platform.”
Officer Two 07:39: “Twitter then.”
Officer One 07:39: “X.”
Arrestee 07:40: “Do make up your minds.”
Officer Two 07:41: “I think we should take a break.”
Recording terminated at 07:41
To be continued…