Scotland’s premier five-a-side football team are unable to return home after hate crimes lodged against them by over 3 million Scots following the first match against Germany in Euro 2024.
“I was reminded why I don’t watch football,” one grieving supporter said. “90+ minutes of watching my team slow jog after the ball while the Germans practised Blitzkrieg.”
“Every time we were given the ball we gave it back to the Germans as if we were playing hot potato,” Another former fan told The Notional. “The Germans managed to retain possession while barely touching the ball, preferring to pass to each other than hog the limelight.”
The Notional can report, having suffered through the entire match, that the only goal we won was an own goal by Germany with Scotland fans on site in Munich cheering our team for playing pin ball.
“I blame John Swinney,” one disgruntled fan said. “As a mascot he’s worse than a voodoo doll in the hands of our opponents.”
With Scotland still to play Switzerland and Hungary in the remaining Group A matches, some Scots are hoping for a miracle. It is unclear which deity they may be praying to. Jesus taught his followers to love ones’ enemies and that does not seem to sit well with the theme of Flower of Scotland. Others are longing for the time when Scots prize skill and competency over blind luck.
We at The Notional blame the SNP free bus passes. Scots don’t get enough practice walking, let alone running.
With Scotland losing 5-1 at the closing whistle, we at The Notional admit we got that wrong. We predicted – in private during the first couple of minutes of the game – a 5-0 defeat for Scotland. With Germany slamming two goals in during the first twenty minutes and then briefly appearing to attain 5-0 before having their latest goal denied for being offside, Justine expressed astonishment that a group who never follow football, couldn’t usually care less who wins or loses, might be right on the money with a number pulled out of an old football sock. We were not. Like the blind luck of Scotland’s only goal, we failed to predict the actual result and would like to record this for posterity.
We’re not sure how many Scots blame The Tories for last night’s crushing defeat. It didn’t matter how many times Scots sung send Prince Edward’s army home, it is Scotland who needs to think again.