To simplify the application of the Hate Crime and Public Order (Scotland) Act 2021, Police Scotland today announced they will be providing free Hate Crime Reward Cards. Five stamps of your Hate Crime Reward Card will get you one free Non-Crime Hate Incident, or NCHI. Ten stamps will get you a prosecution for Hate Crime with optional fine and seven year imprisonment. A bargain at twice the price.
Spokestool for Police Scotland said: “Stamping a Hate Crime Reward Card simplifies the whole process for everyone. We no longer have to worry about prosecution under the Human Rights Act or GDPR fines. We were not recording every incident anyway and can shift responsibility for the whole mess onto the citizens who committed the Hate Crimes in the first place.”
Hate Crime Reward Cards will not be available to MSPs unless they are members of the Scottish Conservative and Unionist party, or are billionaires who really should be paying for their Hate Crime yet can afford solicitors and unwanted publicity and have millions of adoring fans.
Get your Hate Crime Reward Card at a sex shop of your choosing.
The Palace announced earlier this morning that JK Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series who sometimes identifies as a trans man and goes by the alias Robert Galbraith, is to be made a Dame.
A palace spokeslady, after several trumpets had been blown and brightly coloured flags fluttered in a breeze caused by an array of Dyson fans, said, “JK Rowling’s contributions to society have been immense. She single-handedly encouraged tens of millions of children in the UK and around the world to read not just one book, but seven. She has given to charities and set up her own including Beira’s Place and Volant Charitable Trust. Her defence of women and girls in Scotland on the date the Hate Crime and Public Order Act came into force so impressed His Majesty that he immediately issued the order for JK Rowling to be awarded the title of DBE.”
Journalist Mike Parry is said to be delighted The Palace watched his interview with GB News.
Rape Crisis Scotland, currently led by a male who identifies as a transwoman – whatever that is – could not be reached for comment. (Editor: We didn’t try very hard.)
Some commentators criticized The Palace for not awarding the Damehood sooner after France beat the UK to it by some 15 years.
JK Rowling was too busy defending women’s rights to speak with The Notional. We do wonder whether she will prefer to use Dame or Sir as a title…
Our intrepid team of journalists have been wading through the 388 page CASS Report – Update: we are now ten pages in! (We would be reading faster if it were not for team members breaking down in tears at the thought of what has been done to our young people.) We feel we have to interrupt this import task to ask our readers if they would support The Notional campaign to Repeal the Gerbil Recognition Act 2004.
We are aware this is a controversial topic with strong feelings on both sides.
In the yellow and green corner (those really do not go together guys!), we have those who claim gerbils are cute and cuddly; anyone should be able to identify as a gerbil if they want; and in increasingly loud voice shout: why are you such a gerbilphobe!
In the red and blue corner (we get mixed up over which colour represents which political ideology mainly because at least half our news intake comes from over the pond and they do things awfy backwards over there.), we have those concerned about how gerbils escape and get into places they just should not be; the huge cost of veterinary bills – which for some strange reason are passed onto taxpayers; whether it is healthy for young people, and adults, to identify as an animal.
In the interests of full disclosure, some of our staff here at The Notional have previously identified as animals, though never gerbils, when we were five.
If you share our concerns over the GRA, would you write to your MP and MSP and consider petitioning the UK Parliament to do something useful for a change. We found this petition is still live, for a few more days, could we get this to 10,000 signatures?
In a shocking about face, Tory leader in Scotland, Douglas Ross, has released to The Notional an exclusive White Paper setting out the Conservative and Unionist Party plan to give Scotland full independence.
“We should have done this years ago,” Ross said in a candid camera interview.” After Braveheart came out, and Scots around the world started crying ‘Freedom’, the Conservatives should have listened. We are the party of freedom after all.”
Our intrepid journalists haven’t yet read through the four page White Paper – did Humza Yousaf raise any complaint when Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon unveiled their White Paper back in 2013, we’d love to know – as we’re still churning through the 388 page CASS Report. However we understand the cornerstone of Ross’s plan to win back voters in Scotland is to set out a vision for full employment. This would be coupled with a complete, staged removal of benefits. Reminiscent of a five year plan, under the Tory vision, Scots who currently either sit at home doing nowt, or attend Independence marches would be given actual independence. They could earn some money, or become homeless. It would be their independent choice. If they choose to earn money, that money would allow them to save, and invest, perhaps even in a sure thing like The Darien Scheme, go bankrupt, and be forced into a union with England. If history repeats itself. Which history does seem to do. If Scots were to choose a life without earning, they could wander the streets in any town, city, or hamlet they choose, independent. Completely and utterly independent.
We at The Notional are not convinced most people who go on Independence marches have really thought through what they claim they want. What about you, dear reader? Do you like this new Tory plan? Would you vote for real independence or just the independence light offered by the SNP/Scottish Green coalition?
The SNP led, Scottish Government affiliated, Scottish Greens, Labour, and LibDem disinformation team expressed collective horror yesterday that no-one outside of their echo bubble was heeding their assurances that the Hate Crime law will be good for Scotland.
“What do you mean we have to pay to advertise on Twitter,” one member of the collective reportedly wrote on WhatsApp. “I’m not giving that right-wing fascist Elon Musk a single penny.”
The editorial team at The Notional are uncertain whether the echo bubble would be better protected or popped. Do share your feedback.
While other newspapers expressed concern over past, present and future trans affirming NHS treatment of children and young people, even shockingly, The Guardian, The Metro chose to lead with irony with their headline: “RATS INFEST NHS WARDS”.
We do not yet know how many children and young people in the UK have unnecessarily had breasts removed, have been castrated, or have had various forms of genital mutilation carried out by the taxpaper funded NHS. We at The Notional feel that this child abuse deserves headlines of its own. We wait to see if the Metro will one day agree.
Millions of Christians were horrified to find out yesterday (April 8, 2024) that they had missed the rapture. Despite reading the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, and watching the spin off movies, and watching the 1970’s A Thief in the Night film series, and reading and hearing Jesus teaching, and Paul’s teaching, and the prophetic book of Revelation, Christians were otherwise engaged watching TV or their smartphones or the Eclipse when Jesus returned to take them to Heaven. According to some far-right Christian movements, the Rapture signals the start of a seven year apocalypse, a totalitarian global government, many climate catastrophes, earthquakes, plagues, wars and pestilences. Some Christians living in Scotland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other semi-totalitarian states are reported to have said: it doesn’t sound all that different to life at the moment. For those of us who were not taken in the blink of an eye it is recommended to avoid having 666 tattooed on your forehead, hand, wrist, or arm. Stay away from guillotines. Don’t worship the charismatic guy who proclaims peace, or Tony Blair. Don’t take any forms of transport, or walk to Armageddon. In fact, avoid Israel completely. Unless you are a Jew in which case Israel might be the safest place for you for the next seven years. And pray, for forgiveness and mercy, and that you might be given a second chance.
Hamas International has won the Scottish Government contract to build a tunnel from Scotland to Northern Ireland. With over a decade of experience operating under both Gaza and Israel, and an impressive 300 miles of tunnel constructed to a depth of 165 feet in places, large enough to enable cars to drive through, Hamas International convinced the Scottish Government in a closely fought battle between some of the largest tunnel contractors.
A number of Scottish Distillers have reached out to The Notional to express regret at agreeing to partner with The Scottish Parliament to produce a range of blended and single malt whiskys.
“It was a great idea when Scotland’s Parliament was well run,” a spokeswoman for one distiller who wishes to remain anonymous told us. “Put a politicians signature on a bottle of blended whisky and the price tripled instantly. Now we’re struggling to shift them. We’re seriously considering removing the labels and repackaging them.”
The dire straits of this marketing decision can be seen on John Swinney’s CrowdFunder where only 12 of 50 bottles have been bought, despite the plea to give him more money being made since 2021. The Notional suspects the price range of £200 or more may have something to do with lack of interest.
Many signed bottles are still doing the rounds at various auction houses and can be picked up by any SNP fan boy with more money than taste. Caledonian Collectables have a bottle of Superior Blended Scotch Whisky bottled by Inverarity Vaults ltd that was even signed by Alex Salmond and his First Cabinet (2007-2009). A snip for £795. With prices like that, one wonders why the SNP ever needed a IndyRef fund raiser.
We at The Notional have decided to branch out into Fake Reviews. Here is our fake review for a bottle of Scottish Parliament Blended Scotch Whisky, signed by John Swinney and Nicola Sturgeon, believed to have been bought at auction recently:
Blended. With the tears of unicorns, and of women and girls, and the cold sweat of fear. Left to mellow amid the rancid stench of corruption.
Angry Scotland asked, JK Rowling responded. A Statement from the office of Hogwarts’ founder announced that she would stand against Humza Yousaf in the next Holyrood elections:
“Scotland needs someone in charge who is capable of not just thinking one book ahead, but seven, and seven spin-off books, and eleven movies, and seven detective novels. With me in charge of Police Scotland, the mystery of what happened to the IndyRef fund will be wrapped up sooner than you can say ‘Lets have a game of quality quick Quidditch’. All Humza ever seems to offer is be afraid of the Tories. I have written a lot about standing up to fear and will teach Scots the best response to Humza’s jabbering is to shout back at him: ‘Riddikulus!'”
Angry Scotland did not respond when The Notional reached out for comment. Their initial laying down of the gauntlet to JK Rowling was on Twitter, formerly known as X: “If JK Rowling thinks she can govern better than Humza Yousaf, maybe she should actually run for office rather than just yelping from the sidelines. Maybe she should actually go on live TV and debate with scientists and trans people about her #@!#@ views. Log off and step up.”
Angry Scotland then followed up with this astonishingly coherent message: “JK Rowling’s writings – tweets included – seem to indicate that she has all the answers to everything, so I think she should launch a political career. Go for it. Put yourself and your beliefs to the test. Stand for election. See how awesome and popular you are. Do it.”
Angry Scotland then signed off for the night. “I’ve done a tweet that I can already tell is gonna lead to several hundred replies from the most boring and lonely people on Earth overnight. And I will not read a single one of them. Have fun.” Perhaps this is why they did not respond for comment. Because we are boring and lonely. Though how they knew we were boring and lonely is not clear. Perhaps it is their anger that allows them that insight.
The Notional did a few minutes of digging and found that Angry Scotland is very angry indeed. We couldn’t bear to listen to their podcast, a few minutes of listening to Humza’s angry ranting each day is about all we can stand. But we did find their Capitalist store where you can fund their anger and buy clothing that lets your family, friends, employer and neighbours know just how angry you are:
We at The Notional are not quite sure how sexy socialism correlates with capitalist merchandising, though if you are angry enough we doubt that matters. Forgive us for not linking to their online store. We at The Notional do not support socialism.
