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Free Speech Union in Cash for Free Speech Row

JustinOtherScott
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Free Speech Union in Cash for Free Speech Row

An anonymous complaint from the Scottish Office of First Minister has resulted in The Company Investigations Team within The Insolvency Service being asked to launch an investigation into the Private company limited by guarantee without share capital which was incorporated on 20 November 2019.

The anonymous complaint alleges The Free Speech Union are soliciting cash to be used as legal fund to protect free speech in Scotland. This alleged activity has been roundly condemned by Amnesty International and the ACLU. Spokespersons for both fake charities gave a joint statement: “Soliciting cash from uninformed citizens is a serious business. This should be left to professionals like ourselves who have only been scraping by for years now. There is only so much money to go around.”

A spokesperson from The Free Speech Union expressed surprise at the complaint. “We’ve been completely open and transparent about our determination to protect the citizens of Scotland from a Hate Crime law which should never have been passed in its current form. We will continue to seek funding in order to provide a legal defence to people unjustly prosecuted via this law.”

Companies House had this to say: “It often surprises people but Companies House does not have any investigatory powers.”

The Notional understands that despite the complaint, The Free Speech Union is still soliciting donations via its website: https://freespeechunion.org/donate/

Humza’s Thought Police Having Second Thoughts

JustinOtherScott
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Unconfirmed reports have been received by the Notional that Police Scotland may be backtracking on their implementation of Humza’s Hate Crime law. Despite Police forces in England having been successfully challenged in 2021 after a police officer called Harry Miller to “Check his thinking”, The Scottish Government ignored all warnings and concerns their law would result in similar chilling behaviour by police and subsequent legal challenges.

The Free Speech Union shared yesterday (4th April 2024) ‘According to Humza Yousaf, being interviewed yesterday afternoon, Police Scotland are now “looking at the changes that were made in England and Wales recently [regarding the recording and retention of NCHIs] and reviewing their own procedures in that respect”.’

Scotland can only hope the review results either in repeal of the law, or clarification the Scottish Government promised and never delivered prior to the Hate Crime law’s implementation.

Arms Sales to End

JustinOtherScott
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Arms Sales to End

Progressive leader Humza Yousaf yesterday called on the UK government to end all arms sales to Israel.

“The UK can keep selling arms to Syria, Yemen, Iraq, even Mogadishu for all I care. No-one cares about Muslims in those countries. It is obscene and an affront to all right thinking people [Editor’s note: there was a slight scuffle at this point in the First Ministers speech as an aide appeared to object to the term ‘right thinking people’], that the UK Government would support the Israeli far-right, facist regime.”

Leg sales and sales of kidneys, hearts, lungs and other organs to Israel still seem to be approved by the Scottish Government. It is unclear why arms in particular has Humza so upset. Though as he concluded his speech, Humza may have given an indication.

“Growing up in Scotland, other children used to taunt me, asking where Hitler kept his armies. I refused to engage with racists then and refuse to do so now.”

It was a surprise to our older staff at The Notional that Humza had found that question so offensive. Perhaps if he had engaged, Scottish government time would not have been wasted today.

[Editor’s note: for those who still don’t know where Hitler kept his armies – it was up his sleevies. Perhaps a particularly Scottish form of joke.]

Humza Yousaf Unites Scotland!

JustinOtherScott
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Humza Yousaf Unites Scotland!

Speaking from Bute House on Monday and looking plumper than usual, Humza Yousaf responded to reports that both Unionist and Nationalist supporters had demonstrated for him at Holyrood earlier that day.

“I always knew I could bring Scotland together,” Yousaf said, a thermal vest peeking out from under his shirt. “This is how we eradicate hate from Scotland, we bring opposing sides closer. They see they are not much different, and there is no reason for Unionists and Nationalists to hate each other.”

“It’s blooming cold today,” Humza was heard to say, while appearing to shiver as he walked out of the Bute House utility room, conference room, and mosque. “Patrick Harvey has a lot to answer for.”

A spokesmuslim for the First Minister denied any criticism of the SNP’s Scottish Green Bute House Agreement partners. “It’s the heat pump he was criticising. It doesn’t quite ever seem to get the temperature up.”

Scots beat Police with Facial Recognition changes

JustinOtherScott
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Scots beat Police with Facial Recognition changes

Hundreds of Scots have modified the facial recognition settings on their smartphones and laptops/tablets in order to defeat the Scottish Police. Concerned that devices will be seized by police after vexatious and anonymous complaints of unsubstantiated Hate Crimes, the Scots have modified the settings so their own face no longer is recognised.

It is not known by most Scots whether this relatively simple change will protect their devices in the event Police Scotland turn Stasi, break into your home, seize your means of communication with the modern world and then attempt to hack your devices. Some reports suggest the police have more sophisticated tools that can crack into a smartphone in minutes or even seconds, allowing police to view your contacts – and then raid their homes; view your Tweets – though one wonders why Police Scotland could not work out how to do that on the website; read your emails – they could have just asked MI5 to share that information, but The Notional understands that the SNP have forbid Police Scotland from asking for help from the UK secret services; and see your high score on Bejewelled Blitz. That last could be extremely embarrassing for a large number of Scots.

Rumours that these Scots have been wearing a Hate Monster mask while resetting the facial recognition settings are entirely unfounded and should be dismissed by Police Scotland out of hand.

Satan fires Jordan Peterson

JustinOtherScott
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Satan fires Jordan Peterson

A press release from the office of Satan today reveals that Jordan Peterson has been fired as Satan’s spokesperson/demon.
“We’ve been a highly successful brand for over six thousand years in large part because we don’t draw attention to ourselves,” Satan’s new spokesdemon shared. “Signing Tweets from Satan, as Dr Peterson has been doing, was destroying the subtlety of our multi-generational, simu-phase worldwide marketing campaigns. We couldn’t ignore this. We made repeated attempts to discipline Dr Peterson, finally resorting to involving College of Psychologists of Ontario, but he continues to release new statements in Satan’s name.”

The spokesdemon, whose pronouns are legion, continued: “Dr Jordan Peterson does not represent Satan. Dr Jordan Peterson does not speak for Satan. Dr Jordan Peterson does not Tweet for Satan.”

The Notional did a quick five minute search on X (formerly Twitter [Yeah, we don’t get it either]) and found Dr Peterson does not seem to have got the memo:

Nicola Sturgeon’s Diary

JustinOtherScott
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Nicola Sturgeon’s Diary

The Notional is unbelievably delighted to share with our readers a sneak peek of the highly redacted, soon to be published secret diary of Nicola Sturgeon, aged 53 and three quarters. Withheld from the UK Covid-19 Inquiry due to not having been written at that time, the sensitive nature of the post-inquiry diary entries is sure to shock. Weighing in at 666 pages with barely a hint of white space (due to a desire not to offend Humza Yousaf), this tome – or should that be tomb – will find itself a sell out, much as Nicola herself has been.

Prepare yourself dear reader! Here it is:

[REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED] Alex Salmond [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]

Well, we did warn you! Shocking indeed. Just wait until the full diary is released. We’re sure you can’t wait.

Death Threats on a Postcard

JustinOtherScott
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Death Threats on a Postcard

Such is the compassion, mercy and gentleness of the #BeKind brigade that we rather suspect one response to fake news posted on this site will be the issuing of death threats. Not everyone is an ayatollah, but threatening to kill is an equal opportunity pastime for bullies, cowards, scum, trans activists and those without the balls to make a decent life for themselves.

To make it as easy as possible for anyone who does wish to issue a death threat to any of us working here at The Notional you can send your death threats on a postcard to our headquarters at this address:

PO BOX 2460, Dalmarnock, Glasgow, G40 9BA

It would be helpful if you include your own return address so we can send you a complimentary “I sent a death threat” mug.

Happy Hate Crime Day!

JustinOtherScott
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Happy Hate Crime Day!

Yes, it is April Fool’s Day in Scotland, forever more to be known as Humza’s Day. Join with us around the world as you are anonymously accused, prosecuted, deported to the Scottish Gulag, fined and arrested because some snowflake wasn’t taught the Sticks and Stones rhyme as a kid.

The world is laughing at us, Scotland, as are the Kelpies. But don’t worry, laughter is soon to be banned in Scotland. And the Kelpies will be torn down. Humza is not a fan.

Make sure you clear your browser cache after viewing this website. You wouldn’t want the Polis discovering you’d viewed it. You might have to answer all sorts of uncomfortable questions like:

How many times a day do you think about tarring and feathering Humza Yousaf?

Would you rather live in an independent Scotland with Humza Yousaf as chief dictator and bottle washer or spend the rest of your life in a Gulag?

Are you willing to convert to Islam?

How much money have you donated to Hamas?

Who is more deserving to receive money paid by Scots through tax – Palestians who voted for Hamas or young white male Scots?

This has been a fake news special from The Notional. Don’t share in Scotland!

Meet The Press

JustinOtherScott
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Meet The Press

It only seems fair to introduce you to the team of crackpot fake journos who risk jigsaw identification on an irregular basis for our favourite citizens in the best blossoming country in the world.

Our name is Justin Other Scott and our pronouns are they and them. You’ll understand if we don’t publish a photo at this time, but we don’t want to make it too easy for Humza’s not so secret police to hunt us down. We’re quite sure some over eager Nat will do that in good time.

When we are not knitting up a storm in committee meetings we tend to our white rose, mint herb and rhubarb gardens.

We work full time, when we are not tying scarfs round railings and throwing ourselves in front of horses.

We are Christians, mostly, on good days, and especially on bad ones. It is our aim to be more popular this side of Greenock than The Babylon Bee, a fake news site worthy of the Donald Trump medal of honour. We do occasionally use risque language, innuendo, and think naughty thoughts (but we’re certainly not going to share those with you! (At least until we’re sure our mums are not reading)) It is quite likely that at some point you will be offended by what we write and share. So, we’re going to get that out of the way as quickly as possible with our next few posts. If you are going to hate us, you may as well start now.

If you would like to join our motley crew, put on your best-est suffragette scarf, don a gold plated crucifix, carry a sign saying: #VoteHumzaOut and met us outside the Holyrood Parliament building Monday 1st April 2024 at 1:30pm. If you can guess the secret handshake and twenty three character password, we’ll let you in.

If you would like to write for us or donate a photo you have taken and grant us unlimited worldwide rights to use send to: givemyphoto @ thenotional dot news

We may, or may not, publish daily or weekly columns, depending on how long it takes for Police Scotland to come a calling and seize all devices, lock us up, and throw away the key. If we somehow survive Humza’s assault on free speech, you may, or may not, be interested in:

  • Death threats on a postcard
  • John Swinney’s besttest knitting patterns
  • 16 ways to avoid abortion
  • Everything that is good about homophobia
  • SNP MSP STDs
  • Times the climate changed for the better
  • Humza Yousaf: Scotland’s running (and falling) joke
  • Islam v Christianity – who will win?
  • BrownFace
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The Notional is Scotland's premier fake news site. We are not associated with our evil twin sister - The National - though for many years they have aspired to be as fake as we are.

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